Time Check: 2:28 AM

These have been, by far, two of the worst nights of my life.

I am currently taking mid year classes under General Chemistry II (Chem 17 and Chem 17.1) to at least compensate for my delay. I shifted into BS Biology from BA Communication Arts so there is really much I have to catch up on, considering I have lived through GE* courses the first year and a half of college. Taking two months from my vacation, this decision did not really give me a hard time. I really had to do it. I enlisted and enrolled myself then, without any idea that it might be hard for me.

The dormitory I stay in transferred me to my old room and building, where some unwanted memories took place. In addition, the room is smaller and it looks awful (my latter room is bright, clean, spacious, cozy). Dormers are fighting over seats in the lobby for internet connection. But the worst of all is, my roommate, whom I have completely no idea of, does not sleep in at night and comes in the morning when I’m taking naps to boost energy for my four hour laboratory class! She coughs loudly so bad, goes in and out of our comfort room (which makes stupid noises), and leaves her food (without any cover) on her desk. I’d prefer to sleep knowing there’s a person on the bed across mine. I miss Krizia, the only roommate I ever had in Los Baños*. We both know each other enough to know how to adjust.

When I’m at class with my friends, I don’t get sad at all. Unless there’s a quiz which I studied for and yet still get a low score. At night, when I come home, the loneliness and the emptiness and every other disgusting feeling there is come creeping in and embrace every ounce of my being. I try to focus on my academics but it’s hard when I’m sad.

I have no other way to say what I’m feeling but sad. I miss my family back home. I miss my friends back home. I miss the liveliness of this place. I miss the regular semester when I could breathe from time to time. As of now, there is always something to submit the day after, a quiz the day after, for four whole months of chemistry are packed into two. I miss regular school days when I could watch American and Asian TV series on end and still attend my 8 AM class and sleep after that, as permitted by my schedule. I miss not having to think about what I could possibly do alone. I miss not having to think about the silence and how rudely loud it is. It’s deafening. I have been out of the house, living everywhere for quite some time now, that I have forgotten how to live by myself.

I could cry. Release all this. But I can’t. There is no explaining that. Instead, I seek refuge in the soothing words of my mother as I always see to it to talk to her before she goes to bed.

I wish I could find a way to make this feeling stop.

I wish I could find a way to stop being so disappointed with myself with my low performance at school. I wish I could stop comparing myself to others and just do me at my own pace. But it’s hard getting my mind straight when there is no other voice to hear but the cruelty of mine.

Good night.


*GE: General Education

*Los Baños: An urban municipality in Laguna, CALABARZON, Philippines

Advertisements

The Dream of Becoming and of Being

It has been four weeks since I first left home with a number of huge, stuffed bags. It has been days since I first slept without my family in the next room; my friends and I have only been talking over laptop screens rather than watching movies side by side. It was the first time I opened my journal, which I promised myself to open once I finally take a chance on something big.

Out of the four schools I applied for admission as a new freshman, the University of the Phillipines Los Baños was my sole choice. It took me a lot of timely crisis in choosing what university I belong to; as a matter of fact, I had so many sleepless nights asking God whether I was making the right life decisions. I also remember holding the UPCAT Application Forms and praying to God intently, “Lord, please help me live my dream.” And now I guess I am.

I usually say I live in Marikina even if I live in Antipolo because I took my secondary education in the aforementioned city. The Diliman campus of the state university was just minutes away from home. However, I put Los Baños as my first campus choice because I deeply wanted to detach myself from the routine I have been used to. Nevertheless, I am not sure if I am content with it. Don’t get me wrong. LB is a great place to seek for independence and adventures. But I’ve made a decision on putting it as first campus choice for reasons which may or may not be sufficient for a valid one. We have different views. Now, per contra, I believe it is not enough. I could have considered the costs. The circumstances. I was too thirsty for experiencing more of what is out there when there were, in fact- as I never thought possible- people I would leave behind. There were opportunities I would leave behind.

My first few days here were completely tragic; it was like one of those movies when the father leaves behind his family for military obligations. Only in my case, I left for personal necessity- for problems concerning just myself. So selfish, I see myself now. I am guilty, as you read between the lines of my poorly written post construction. It’s not my intention to blurt out my whole life in here, but I tend to get so emotional at times that the only possible way there is for me is to release them. To whoever.

There were instances when my Dad would call me when I’m walking back to my dorm alone. My Mommy seldom called; she was always busy with work but she never forgets to send texts at night. Going back, while I always walked from my class to my dorm, Dad would also call asking how I’m doing. And no matter how much of stone my heart was before, it melted- like butter set on a frying pan a hundred degrees over. I can feel my voice cracking and still, I refused. I refused to believe I was crying because I miss home. I miss the “routine I have been used to.”

What’s the point of even arguing with my emotions when I have made a decision myself? A final one. You might be confused; initially, I was happy having been accepted to my dream university and now I am doubting my decisions. It’s just that I believe I have missed all the cons. And my pros are not compelling enough to be such. What if I stayed? What if I put Diliman as my first campus choice? Would I have passed? Would I have felt better? Would I be content then?

Currently, I have adjusted to the environment of UPLB. I know there will be more surprises and even if I prepare myself for them, I know I wouldn’t really be ready enough. This time around though, I know my reason for choosing such has changed. It’s no longer to separate myself entirely, but to embrace what I have and what I lack thereof. I lack compassion. Integrity. Humility. I lack consciousness. And I need to live the dream to grasp them. The dream of thinking and of moving. The dream of becoming and of being. The dream of being an Iskolar ng Bayan Para sa Bayan.

I believe now, no matter where campus I arrive in the end, as long as I end up in UP, I’m content. This is home. I’m claiming it; I am aware that someday somehow, it’s going to render me sleepless nights of utmost studying but this is home. In addition, I can transfer to the Diliman or Manila campus and decide on living my life from there once again. As long as it’s UP.

large (37)