Time Check: 2:28 AM

These have been, by far, two of the worst nights of my life.

I am currently taking mid year classes under General Chemistry II (Chem 17 and Chem 17.1) to at least compensate for my delay. I shifted into BS Biology from BA Communication Arts so there is really much I have to catch up on, considering I have lived through GE* courses the first year and a half of college. Taking two months from my vacation, this decision did not really give me a hard time. I really had to do it. I enlisted and enrolled myself then, without any idea that it might be hard for me.

The dormitory I stay in transferred me to my old room and building, where some unwanted memories took place. In addition, the room is smaller and it looks awful (my latter room is bright, clean, spacious, cozy). Dormers are fighting over seats in the lobby for internet connection. But the worst of all is, my roommate, whom I have completely no idea of, does not sleep in at night and comes in the morning when I’m taking naps to boost energy for my four hour laboratory class! She coughs loudly so bad, goes in and out of our comfort room (which makes stupid noises), and leaves her food (without any cover) on her desk. I’d prefer to sleep knowing there’s a person on the bed across mine. I miss Krizia, the only roommate I ever had in Los Baños*. We both know each other enough to know how to adjust.

When I’m at class with my friends, I don’t get sad at all. Unless there’s a quiz which I studied for and yet still get a low score. At night, when I come home, the loneliness and the emptiness and every other disgusting feeling there is come creeping in and embrace every ounce of my being. I try to focus on my academics but it’s hard when I’m sad.

I have no other way to say what I’m feeling but sad. I miss my family back home. I miss my friends back home. I miss the liveliness of this place. I miss the regular semester when I could breathe from time to time. As of now, there is always something to submit the day after, a quiz the day after, for four whole months of chemistry are packed into two. I miss regular school days when I could watch American and Asian TV series on end and still attend my 8 AM class and sleep after that, as permitted by my schedule. I miss not having to think about what I could possibly do alone. I miss not having to think about the silence and how rudely loud it is. It’s deafening. I have been out of the house, living everywhere for quite some time now, that I have forgotten how to live by myself.

I could cry. Release all this. But I can’t. There is no explaining that. Instead, I seek refuge in the soothing words of my mother as I always see to it to talk to her before she goes to bed.

I wish I could find a way to make this feeling stop.

I wish I could find a way to stop being so disappointed with myself with my low performance at school. I wish I could stop comparing myself to others and just do me at my own pace. But it’s hard getting my mind straight when there is no other voice to hear but the cruelty of mine.

Good night.


*GE: General Education

*Los Baños: An urban municipality in Laguna, CALABARZON, Philippines

Time Check: 6:36 AM

I haven’t slept. This is not caffeine- induced.

I am in so much anxiety! The sole purpose of this blog post is to vent. Really. I don’t know what I’m doing. My head is throbbing, my heart is pounding.

Can I tell you guys a secret?

When I launched Z+ Manila,  I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I was all caught up in the idea of finally delving into something new. My first collection was a trial. To see how far I can go. Seeing how far it went (lol), I knew I had to step up my game.

I was planning to launch this second collection last January, but school happened and I acquired a different set of priorities then. This is long overdue when in fact, this collection comprises most of me.  Taking that into consideration, I should have worked in such little time with very high interest and generated products in an instant. But I knew I had to plan it out well and thoroughly. I’ve been studying different fashion trends and immersing myself with a whole new street wear culture and old school aesthetic, which I am dearly engrossed in as of now, and I teach myself every day. I had to study the taste of millennials I want to associate myself with. In addition, I had to write myself a letter every now and then to remind myself to get up and create, knowing I’m a complete dumb ass in this field, knowing immensely how I am not even close to a rookie. I am going in blind.

Tonight, I mean- today, I felt like giving this up completely. My being insecure and incompetent seem to outweigh my being adventurous and brave. I used to give everything a try, no matter how dangerous, no matter how embarrassing it would probably be. Now, I feel like I’m a wholly different person. This overwhelming rage of emotions is taking over me; moreover, I’m not sure if it’s for the best or worst. I lost all my savings from spontaneous meet ups with friends. I am seldom home (as I study in a different province) so I see to it that I spend time with my family and my buddies from high school. So currently, I am facing issues with my capital. Of course, I have savings from what I have earned in the first collection, but I do not feel like using them up. My ideas seem completely idiotic. What’s worse is, I’m running out of concepts! My rituals don’t seem to work; all my scribbles and mantras and self- encouragement aren’t getting into my system!

Damn, I feel like collapsing. I am about to explode.

One thing is for sure nevertheless, Z+ is very close to my heart. I have so much more to give; I am willing to sacrifice anything for it. I am willing to learn. And teach myself in this painful process. This second collection is more than another trial. This is a statement, a belief, a piece of Rea that I get to share with people. I always believed I am for deviation; I am always siding with justice, trying to understand the odd and confusing spectrum between right and wrong. God, I am trying so hard. This huge fragment of my being is what I want my products to embody. I wish this is a success. I pray this is a success. I have taken so little steps, I think, I wasted so much time, so being courageous enough to open this to the public will sum up those little steps into a gigantic one. Hopefully, with grace and blessing from up above, this collection will meet its purpose.

Time Check 12:33 AM

It’s been a while! 

I have lots to tell you.


Halfway through the year and I am not feeling my best. I had so much plans for myself this year. What I remember most is telling myself, “be more.” Now, I feel ugly. I feel utterly loathsome and beastly. I could not find my way to quietude amidst the unruly stampede of thoughts willed by my conscience and fear. I could not grasp my unbecoming and that is the least I could do with this internal emulation. Soon, if I let it, it will be more and more dreadful. I will be more and more intolerable; it will result to a lot of pushing away and deactivation. Everything will detach. I will relapse into partition.

No, this is not about academics. I am no longer that woman who bases everything on numbers. Or is this just a mere cover- up for what I have truly metamorphosed? This is not about my personal life. This is not about my country nor is it about society.

It is about me, and me alone.

Sure, there are catalysts- but to whatever extent I pushed myself into relies solely on the fact that I settled for release. I freed myself upon dominion.

I could not precisely describe the feeling of losing control over my own self. But if I must: it is as though travelling an empty road that goes on forever, without even stepping your feet on the ground. You feel weightless. You hurt no one. No one hurts you. You only get to hurt yourself.

I have tried so many times; I prayed so many times. And out of all these times, nothing lasted. Not even when I prayed, “Lord, help me.” I do not even know what to fix. I just know I need fixing and I need it at the soonest possible time. The consistency of my feelings were increasingly fading. And for months it felt like I surrendered to no one and nothing but the void.

 I come home to my parents every weekend, visit my girlfriend every weekend, hang out with friends at times, do a lot of academics day and night. My grades are fine. However, nothing really satisfied the seeping emptiness.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my family, my friends, my girlfriend. They are not the driving force as to why I am slowly becoming a slave to nothingness.

As a matter of fact, I can no longer will myself to write.

It’s much better to write broken than to not write at all, I have figured. For at least, when I am angry and sad, I know I am breathing. I can feel my heartbeat; whereas when I am emotionless, I can only feel the air touch my face and see the people I love crumble as I turn into something I must not.


Into contemplation, I realize that it is my utmost commitment to life that also brings me into grave abandonment. I pressured myself into all these becoming that I soon lost my grip on to what is right. I lost my grip on the dream. I cannot accept who I am that I scrutinized myself into becoming someone I am not. I think so little of myself! I am not my mistakes. This moment right now is to be remembered always; someday, the new, fulfilled and complete Rea will thank this exact moment. There is nothing to be ashamed of, I know now. I am not to be ashamed of having to transform ever so often. I am not going to be ashamed anymore that I am not as smart as I ought to be. I am not going to be ashamed anymore of having lower grades than my brilliant block mates. Instead, I am going to raise my head up and I am going to start being thankful. Rather than moping around the corner wishing I had the same writing skills than him, I would approach him and commend him for a great poem. I am no longer going to dwell on what I lack; I am going to delve into filling the lack thereof. I am not going to let it consume me. I am going to be kind. That way, I will be strong. I will know how to fight the silent fight. I am no longer going to repeat people’s criticism about me in my head every second and question my being; instead, I will gulp it all up and see what I can do. It’s okay to return to wishing I was someone else, because I know for sure it is normal. But I won’t feed it my courage and resilience of being better. No. Scratch that. Of being the ideal Rea.


But really, what is there to change about me? I keep saying, I will, I will, I will. But what are these things that I would like to change?

  1. Not helping my family members with chores around the house.
  2. Not being able to balance my time with school works.
  3. Settling for, “bukas na ‘yan!” (“I’ll do it tomorrow!”)
  4. Going for, “bahala na. Okay na ‘yan.” (“Whatever. That will do.”)
  5. Resorting into fear.
  6. Lying. (To God, to parents, to myself)
  7. Feeding my insecurities. (Like getting mad at myself for being dumb sometimes.)
  8. Being ignorant. (About rules, schedule, deadline, simple things.)
  9. Not being practical. (Being too miserly)
  10. Being a spoiled brat.
  11. Not paying respect to my parents.
  12. Being too lazy.
  13. Forgetting proper hygiene. (I often forget applying my medications for my pimples.)
  14. Saying no to friends because I’m lazy.
  15. Complaining so much.
  16. Not being grateful enough.
  17. Always forgetting things.
  18. Being insensitive.