Unfiltered #02

I wish I knew when to look away.

A safe distance is all I ever get to keep.


So this is what you get after a toxic relationship.

At first you open yourself up in the hopes that you might turn out fine- that perhaps you are okay- and if you are not, at least you will be. You surrender yourself to the wheels of decision making and trust yourself in whatever lands. For a while, it gets messy, but you assure yourself that this is growth; it’s messy, but you’re growing anyway. You surrender yourself to endless nights and give yourself up to vodka bottles and beer sessions like the tip of the bottle is all you ever kissed your whole life. You promise yourself that you’re going to get better, that perhaps there was some other way to cope, but this is the best way how. Repeatedly, without hearing the little echoes in your head telling you to stop and settle down and finally live a life outside the walls of a drunken home.

And then someone comes along.

And yes, you start from the beginning. You start thinking, “this is exactly how it started with the other.” And it scares you more than it leaves you hoping that maybe, just maybe, he might like you too.

He comes along and you start looking for him at places you never sought comfort from. You knew just how much you hated this place but God! With him around you feel like this is home. Perhaps, this could be home. With him around- hey, maybe you’ll even stay. Stay. When all you ever did was run away, move, settle for temporary.

He comes along and the game changes. Your days become longer and nights jive with sunlight and you start wondering how you ever slept with such a empty heart.

You look at him, and ask why.

I, with utmost sincerity, wish I knew when to look away. Because so many girls already have their eyes on you. And I’m not one to chase. To mingle with all the others just to get to you.

But God, you don’t know how much I want to try. You make me want to try. All over again. You make me want to set aside hurting just to get close to you. You make me doubt in the belief of truth. In the very naked truth that you will never come to like me.

You make me want to try.

I seldom try.

But you came along. Of all people, you came along and made me want to try.

But I am afraid. I am afraid of being pushed aside. I am afraid of getting turned down. I am afraid of not trying but more so in trying. I am afraid. I am so afraid that I shut myself down. Completely.


I can only look at you.

A safe distance is all I ever get to keep.

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