When she tells you leave, leave.
Give her rest. Give her all the time she needs until time itself tells her to come back to you. She is going to tell you words that will crush your insides; she will dissect each and every bone strong and firm and break it- without using her hands, without using her fists. All that it will take her are her goodbyes. It will haunt you.
Before you sleep, you will remember how the pain turned all your guts into screaming- into tears- you will need the world to collapse, you will need the walls of your room to give you wings so you could fly and shout and yell. Because it hurts. Because you would want to feel a lot less than the hurt- than the pain. Because you want to feel more sore and numb and shaking than you already are. Because it hurts.
Give her time.
You will know then that it isn’t her speaking.
It was her weakness and her brokenness and her defeats.
It is not her.
If she does not come back to you, tell yourself it will be okay. Tell yourself that you are going to see sunrise like you have always imagined you would with your own eyes, standing with both your feet, alone. Tell yourself that soon enough, you will feel your blood rushing into your head and into your heart coming from all the places in your body which she has left cold. Tell yourself it will be okay. Tell yourself: I will be okay.
Even if it hurts- even if you know you cannot be.
Fake it. It will hurt.
She deserves the love she wants. She deserves a consuming love that never gives up on her. She deserves the love she needs.
However, how can you chase someone who does not want to be chased?
You never gave up on her. When the world told you to stop, you went for it. Because you love her, more than you ever did for yourself. I understand, you never gave up on her like she has on herself. You loved her. You love her. And no matter how painful it is to have your heart broken, you will reach for her hands even when she has clenched them so hard her knuckles turn white. No matter how painful it is to get your heart broken from the distance she has set between you both, you will get up and walk and run so that you can wrap your weak arms from the back around her waist. And silently, even as you will run out of breath, you will ask her to stay. And you will smile- dear God, you will- even as tears fall one after the other.
Both your mind and body are weak. But your heart is screaming, it is worth it.
When you can no longer get up from the bruises the tragedy has left you- when you can no longer raise your head up to see how many wounds and scratches it has left your face the other night, rest. Do not run after her. Do not make her a cup of coffee when you know she will toss it on the floor.
Give yourself time. To heal.
When you finally do, chase her.
When you get a headache so bad from crying, sleep.
You will need a lot of sleep. Make sleep your best friend. This is the only heaven you could let yourself fall into while you are going through hell.
Should I talk about them nightmares?
Yes. Nightmares. I mean- when you dream of waking up next to her drawing circles into your back; when you dream of the way she caressed your hair when you cried yourself into misery; when you dream of her waking you up in your sleep telling you that she needs a hug; when you dream of her laughing so hard her eyes close; when you dream of her asking you to stay.
It will be more painful than the way she spit the word, “leave.”
You will miss her.