The Dream of Becoming and of Being

It has been four weeks since I first left home with a number of huge, stuffed bags. It has been days since I first slept without my family in the next room; my friends and I have only been talking over laptop screens rather than watching movies side by side. It was the first time I opened my journal, which I promised myself to open once I finally take a chance on something big.

Out of the four schools I applied for admission as a new freshman, the University of the Phillipines Los Baños was my sole choice. It took me a lot of timely crisis in choosing what university I belong to; as a matter of fact, I had so many sleepless nights asking God whether I was making the right life decisions. I also remember holding the UPCAT Application Forms and praying to God intently, “Lord, please help me live my dream.” And now I guess I am.

I usually say I live in Marikina even if I live in Antipolo because I took my secondary education in the aforementioned city. The Diliman campus of the state university was just minutes away from home. However, I put Los Baños as my first campus choice because I deeply wanted to detach myself from the routine I have been used to. Nevertheless, I am not sure if I am content with it. Don’t get me wrong. LB is a great place to seek for independence and adventures. But I’ve made a decision on putting it as first campus choice for reasons which may or may not be sufficient for a valid one. We have different views. Now, per contra, I believe it is not enough. I could have considered the costs. The circumstances. I was too thirsty for experiencing more of what is out there when there were, in fact- as I never thought possible- people I would leave behind. There were opportunities I would leave behind.

My first few days here were completely tragic; it was like one of those movies when the father leaves behind his family for military obligations. Only in my case, I left for personal necessity- for problems concerning just myself. So selfish, I see myself now. I am guilty, as you read between the lines of my poorly written post construction. It’s not my intention to blurt out my whole life in here, but I tend to get so emotional at times that the only possible way there is for me is to release them. To whoever.

There were instances when my Dad would call me when I’m walking back to my dorm alone. My Mommy seldom called; she was always busy with work but she never forgets to send texts at night. Going back, while I always walked from my class to my dorm, Dad would also call asking how I’m doing. And no matter how much of stone my heart was before, it melted- like butter set on a frying pan a hundred degrees over. I can feel my voice cracking and still, I refused. I refused to believe I was crying because I miss home. I miss the “routine I have been used to.”

What’s the point of even arguing with my emotions when I have made a decision myself? A final one. You might be confused; initially, I was happy having been accepted to my dream university and now I am doubting my decisions. It’s just that I believe I have missed all the cons. And my pros are not compelling enough to be such. What if I stayed? What if I put Diliman as my first campus choice? Would I have passed? Would I have felt better? Would I be content then?

Currently, I have adjusted to the environment of UPLB. I know there will be more surprises and even if I prepare myself for them, I know I wouldn’t really be ready enough. This time around though, I know my reason for choosing such has changed. It’s no longer to separate myself entirely, but to embrace what I have and what I lack thereof. I lack compassion. Integrity. Humility. I lack consciousness. And I need to live the dream to grasp them. The dream of thinking and of moving. The dream of becoming and of being. The dream of being an Iskolar ng Bayan Para sa Bayan.

I believe now, no matter where campus I arrive in the end, as long as I end up in UP, I’m content. This is home. I’m claiming it; I am aware that someday somehow, it’s going to render me sleepless nights of utmost studying but this is home. In addition, I can transfer to the Diliman or Manila campus and decide on living my life from there once again. As long as it’s UP.

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